When I was officially diagnosed with PCOS {Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome} in December of 2021, it felt like my life was crashing down on me. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise as I had struggled with irregular cycles since I started menstruating when I was 11 or 12. I remember feeling so disappointed and I knew it had to do with all the stress and weight I had put on working a cash cow job that sucked literally everything from me. I had to stop going to the gym and doing yoga because of the 8 hours of back to back massages they would book me in. And when I was able to start activities up again, life knocked me away with an injury to the jaw and head in February 2022. All the progress I made in 2019 and 2020 with intermittent fasting, working out, finding more inner peace and self love feels as if it was just a dream; too good to be true.
I worked so hard to achieve that healthy body again, but I seemed to be falling short somewhere. It had been over a year and a half of trying different PCOS friendly diets, insulin resistance foods, supplements, gaining back the endurance and ability to hit up the gym. And instead of the same results, dropping from a size 11 to 7 in a matter of months, and regulating out my cycle to having a period every month, I was edging 200lbs and struggling to shimmy into my size 12 jeans, despite my measurements staying consistent. I had to remember that despite not always seeing my progress, it was there.
The mindset was an adjustment for me, to think that weight is more than fat. It’s water retention, and muscle building too, which my husband constantly reminds me is happening as I increase how much I lift. Along with finding the best ways to immerse myself in self-care, I was building a business from the bottom up, going to school, and helping take care of the household. So many good things have come from that, and the journey of PCOS has given many ideas and ways to help promote health & wellness for other women in my community. Because of the diagnosis, I knew I wanted a woman focused practice. Everything I do is geared towards women healing themselves, as we tend to focus on everyone else but ourselves in life. And that pushed me to take more thought as to what I put in my body, how I keep active, and while still a work in progress, put more effort into managing anxiety and depression.
A lot of hope came last year when I got pregnant. It was unexpected, and while sadly short lived, knowing how much of a struggle it can be for women to conceive with PCOS, it felt like a miracle. All my life I have dreamed of being a mother; being diagnosed put a lot of confusion and questioning if that dream would ever become a reality. Looking back, it’s very possible and I believe it was the miscarriage that had been keeping the progress I had been working towards somewhat stagnant, because as soon as her due date started getting closer and passed, my body finally started dropping the weight, and even more so in inches. I’m not exactly where I was in 2019/2020, but I look better and healthier than I did last year and I take that as a win. I am finally able to do more weights and cardio than I was pre injury and post miscarriage. Just last week, I pulled 200lbs in our studio's annual deadlift challenge, something I have never done before, and had no idea I could even do before that evening, especially since just days before I was struggling to do 185!
It’s funny how hormones, grief and just day to day life have an effect on your body. And while it was difficult, I fondly look back at the two months I carried her in November and till Christmas morning. The growth I had personally, spiritually, and in my relationship that came with the loss, and would not have happened otherwise, is a blessing in disguise. I remember my mom having an intuitive massage session with a dear friend in which she saw a little girl playing at and massaging her feet. When she asked, “And who are you?” The divine child answered “This is my grandmother, her oldest daughter {that would be me} is my mama.” We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet, so when my mom told me about this, it was such a confirmation that the work my friend and I do is so real. I knew I was on a very spiritual journey, and traveling a Godly paved path. Her presence in my mother’s session has brought so much light into my life, and so much guidance has come from her. After the miscarriage, I took an automatic writing class the same friend was teaching, in which I received a message from my guides that I had more to do before our daughter could come to this life with us. Looking back on that now, she was definitely right. The amount of knowledge I have gained, and change I have achieved is remarkable. And the choices I would have made if we were still expecting her, would not have led me on this same path. I received another message during a reiki experience, which just made a lot of that click. The classes I would have missed out on, or staying at an underpaid job instead of pursuing being involved full time with our health & wellness business, both of which got me where I am today, never would have happened.
As I reflect back on all the ups and downs since the diagnosis, the ups have brought so much love, joy and peace; and the downs lessons of patience, acceptance, and growth. Positivity can occur simultaneously in the storms, and the light of the sun and stars are shining brightly amongst the clouds. It all depends on what our mind and spirit look for and focus on.
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